the eating issue

Eating disorders are a complicated horrible subject to discuss with anyone, and even among a group that has the same issue, there are differening opinions.

As someone who struggles with anorexic tendencies and overeating tendencies, here’s my responsibility…to make a food plan (which I’m still trying to find) and feed myself appropriately. I cannot have trigger foods around me, and if I take the first bite, it’s a downhill spiral!!!!!

Food is alcohol for me. I can abstain and be a "dry drunk" (anorexic) or I can overeat and have the problems to show for it. Since I’m a tad overweight, which is mostly due to metabolism shutdown (starvation mode) from anorexia and med reactions, I do not look anorexic. My intake, most days, is between 500-1000 calories, which is not enough and impacts my diabetes. My m-i-l, within the last few months, asked me what was going on, and I was honest. When I told her that much, she said, “Well, but then you overeat, based on your size.” I wanted to implode! I’m surrounded by people who just don’t get it, and that's just where things are.

I cannot explain my thinking or eating patterns to anyone, truly, but God. I am struggling to find an OA sponsor, and to find a food plan that I can legitimately make work with our food allergies and my illnesses, but I am stuck. It’s a hard place to be. I had a therapist visit this week where I felt heard yet invalidated. Not exactly a fair space to be in!

As far as definitions, I have to believe myself. I cannot go to someone else for validation. I have to be mindful – in the moment – when I eat, or it will not be reasonable. No one really considers me anorexic, or an overeater. Every professional in my life says I have an eating disorder. Period. That’s the truth! I keep telling myself that when my stress is lower it will be easier…that’s bunk!!!!! It’s been 23 years since my anorexia started, and the time to do what I can is today. I can’t change my thinking, but I can have one thing for breakfast and take my blood sugar.

One of the next blogs, probably, will be about my dads. Stress is pretty high around our houses right now, and will be for awhile, potentially. That doesn't help the eating issues, either.

Glad for this venue to vent.