Autumn is one of my favorite times of year, usually, but this year is particularly difficult.
I've always loved the fall leaves, and have always enjoyed taking time to drive through areas where the leaves change. Growing up in the mountains of Colorado, there were numerous paths we could take, and so many trees that were painting the scenery in a lush and surreal tapestry of colors. I still feel amazed as I drive into an area that has green, gold, yellow and red at the same time. It's inspiring and restful and sad. The sad is where I am this evening.
As someone with a melancholic personality, prone towards sadness and depression even, it can be difficult to deal with life changes. I was reading another blog about being part of the sandwich generation, and I tell ya, I do NOT like being the ham and cheese in the middle!
My father-in-love is now in an assisted living home as of last week. He has dementia (probably Alzheimer's) and some days knows us, but some days doesn't. He's also been dealing with possible seizures (which looked like a stroke.) It's so hard to see this wonderful man fade in such a horrible way, yet there's nothing that can be done. In the meantime, my 3.5 year old is asking me to draw 3 digit numbers that he can trace, learning essentially 3 languages, and wowing pretty much everyone he meets. It's a wonderful dichotomy of spring and fall - one life shooting into the atmosphere as another begins to wobble and descend. Just a month ago, thankfully, we had pictures taken of all four grandparents with the grandchildren. We have a picture to remember of the sandwich that is....with all its various flavors and tastes and colors.
Right now, I just want to rest. I want to hibernate. I want time to process the changes happening with dad and spend some time grieving the grandparent my children will not know - the brilliant man that is slowly fading from our view. I also want to spend every waking moment with my brilliant children who seem to radiate each grandfathers' love of learning and knowledge. It's such a strange place to be - right in the middle of life and death with the understanding that both are part of the life cycle, and in particular, my life cycle at the moment.
A particularly wonderful irony of my time right now is my class this fall - abnormal psychology. I had the wonderful opportunity to pay the university to learn more about dementia and bipolar and depression and various other stuff that I live with already, but can always stand to learn a little more about. :) Thankfully, it's one of my bright spots within the weeks.
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